Merlin Python and the Holy Grail
by alphayamergo
Summary: Uther judges a witch. It's just that his 'logic' isn't quite all that.


**I don't own Merlin or the hilarity that is Monty Python and the Holy Grail.**

**Can anyone else see this happening in Camelot? No one? No one at all?**

"A witch! A witch! We found a witch!"

The group of peasants flooded into the throne room as the council watched from all sides with varying feelings of disbelief. "A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! Burn her! BURN HER!" Merlin shuddered.

The group of peasants came to a stop in front of the king. "We found a witch," said the first peasant. "May we burn her?"

'_At least they're trying to be polite,' _Merlin noted.

"Burn her! Burn her!" called the peasants.

Uther held up his hand for silence. "How do you know she is a witch?"

"She looks like one!" exclaimed another.

"Bring her forward," sighed Uther.

A young woman was shoved forwards. "I'm not a witch, I'm _not _a witch!" she cried as she landed at Uther's feet.

"But you are dressed as one," pointed out Uther lazily.

"They dressed me up like this," explained the woman, pulling at her loose dress and gesturing to the peasant.

"No, no," protested the crowd.

"And this _isn't_ my nose," continued the woman. "It's a false one!" '_Really?_' thought Merlin sarcastically. '_I never would have guessed considering the rope around your head keeping it in place.'_ Uther, somewhat tentatively, pulled her nose up slightly and saw that it really was a fake.

"Well?" he prompted the crowd.

"Well, we did do the nose," admitted the first peasant.

"The nose?"

"And the hat. But she's a witch!" exclaimed the man.

"BURN HER!" began the group again.

"Did you dress her up?" asked Uther.

"No! No! …Yes," the peasants admitted. "Yes. Yes. A bit. But she has got a wart!" A second peasant pointed it out eagerly.

"What makes you think she's a witch?" asked Uther of the peasants.

"She turned me into a newt!" a third peasant called.

Gaius raised his 'are you serious' eyebrow and asked in a 'I think I misheard you' tone, "A newt?"

There was a silence for a long moment as the man looked sheepish. "…I got better," replied the peasant meekly.

"Burn her anyway!" shouted the crowd.

Agravaine entered the room and stood by the door, watching quietly.

"Wait, wait," said Uther. "There are _ways_ of telling she's a witch." Merlin bit back a laugh.

"Are there? Tell us, tell us!" The peasants sounded like a group of school students now.

"Tell me: what do you do with witches?" And Uther was jumping into his role as teacher wholeheartedly.

"Burn 'em!" replied the crowd immediately.

"And what do you burn _apart_ from witches?"

"MORE WITCHES!"

Someone hit him.

"Wood!" exclaimed the second peasant.

"So, why do witches burn?" inquired Uther.

Silence reigned as the council leant back, keeping their mouths carefully shut in case they laughed, watching the show with amusement. None of them wanted to say anything. This was too funny to end. The peasants were all scratching their heads and looking confused.

Finally, the third peasant said haltingly and in a questioning voice, "Cause they're made of… wood?"

"Good!" exclaimed Uther happily. The third peasant looked very pleased with himself as others murmured "Oh, yeah."

"So, how do we tell if she is made of wood?"

"Build a bridge out of her!" answered the first peasant promptly.

"Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?" pointed out Uther.

"Oh, yeah."

"Does wood sink in water?" asked Uther.

"No, no!" chorused the peasants.

"It floats!" shouted the second peasant.

"Throw her into the pond!" said the first, and the peasants went to grab the woman back, all excitedly chattering away to each other as they discussed the drowning.

"What also floats in water?" asked Uther, obviously meaning they weren't done yet. The peasants promptly let go of the accused witch.

"Bread!"

"Apples!"

"Very small rocks!"

"Cider! A great gravy! Cherries! Mud!"

"Churches! Churches!"

"Lead! Lead!"

"A duck!" proclaimed Agravaine from where he was standing by the door. The entire council glared at him with great dislike for hurrying the whole business onwards.

"Exactly!" exclaimed Uther. "So, logically…"

"If she… ways the same as a… duck… she's… made of… wood?" said the first peasant.

"And therefore?" prompted Uther.

"A witch!"

"A witch! A witch!"

A duck appeared from somewhere in the crowd.

"We shall use my largest scales," proclaimed Uther. And promptly looked to Arthur. Arthur groaned, and asked Leon to do it.

Leon groaned, and asked Gwaine to do it.

Gwaine groaned, and asked Elyan to do it.

Elyan groaned, and asked Lancelot to do it.

Lancelot groaned, and asked Percival to do it.

Percival groaned, and asked Merlin to do it.

Merlin groaned, because it weighed too much for him, and asked some random guard to do it.

The random guard groaned, and asked another guard to do it.

The other guard refused.

So the first guard went and got the scales.

When the scales finally appeared, the woman was put on one side of the scales and the duck on the other. "Right! Remove the stands!" ordered Uther. The two guards took giant hammers and hit two pieces of wood, one under each of the scales respectively. They both fell.

The woman and the duck hung in the air for a moment, swinging up and down, before finally it levelled out so they were equal.

"A WITCH! A WITCH! BURN HER! BURN HER!" chanted the peasants as they grabbed at the woman.

"That's a fair cop," grumbled the witch as the peasants snatched her out from the scales.

"Take her to the dungeons," ordered Uther.

"Looks like Morgana's betrayal has affected Uther's sanity more than we thought," said Gaius dryly as he and Merlin headed back to their chambers.

"Gaius. He's _always_ been that mad."


End file.
